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I was today years old* when I first learned of Dylan Mulvaney, TikTok star and the brilliance behind “365 Days of Being a Girl.” I know, it’s truly shocking–how did I miss her?? (And thanks to the beer company that shall not be named, most of the world knows who she is, or at least they think they know her. But I guaran-damn-tee you they don’t.) So, here’s the thing and why it took me so long to discover her magic…I have a love-hate-sometimes like relationship with social media so I am NOT a Tik-Tokker. One less social media channel the better, ya know? Plus the amount of trans hate online right now is just. too. much. So, back to Dylan! You can find her brilliance on Instagram and TikTok @dylanmulvaney and thank me later. Raised in San Diego, California, Dylan graduated from the University of Cincinnati's College Conservatory of Music in 2019 and then secured a role in the Book of Mormon on Broadway. It was during Covid that she revealed she's transgender and began documenting her transition on TikTok. She posted videos every day of her first year of transition–the raw hard days and the euphoric days of finally living as her true self. For this Mama Bear, it was like reliving that time in our lives. If only I had a Dylan to help me understand things like tucking. When I first learned of her BBL (Before {insert beer company}) I spent the entire day watching every one of her videos. And while I’m now clearly obsessed with her awesomeness, I’m also terrified for her. Being visible as a trans person is not only courageous, it's also terrifying and can be dangerous. We experienced this as well, albeit on a much smaller scale. When Allison was a national ambassador for Children's Miracle Network, her picture was on displays at national chains like WalMart and Speedway, and was printed on General Mills boxes and Dr. Pepper bottles just to name a few. Naively, we were living in a bubble feeling as though the world was finally accepting her. But that was short-lived. The haters and the stalkers found us on social media. People can say the most heinous, meanest, most hurtful things hiding behind a keyboard. Those experiences caused me to delay launching Grace Changes Things for years. Dylan Mulvaney and other visible trans folk inspired me to get out there despite all of the vitriol. After all, isn't that what hate wants? They want us to be quiet. What Dylan has done by sharing her most vulnerable days with the world is what I’m hoping to do with this blog. To show up. Support trans families during the darkest period ever. Help educate those wanting to learn about trans youth and trans issues. Prove that trans people aren’t going anywhere and neither are the people fighting for them. Dylan's experience is just one example of how trans people are so easily vilified and it's intensifying. They are often treated like monsters--not human beings--and this fuels anti-trans violence in epidemic proportions. According to the Transgender Law Center, the United States is ranked third in the world for violent deaths of trans and non-binary people, falling just behind Brazil and Mexico. LGBTQ+ people are also being exploited and then casually discarded under the guise of acceptance. Leading up to Pride month especially, corporations jump on the rainbow-draped wagon in favor of profits, but at the first sign of backlash, they abandon the LGBTQ+ community faster than you can say beer. Or Target. (Yeah, they're guilty too.) Dylan's recent video about what happened to her at the hands of BL is so important and worth a watch (see below). This kind of bullying of trans people reinforces the perception that they are "other." They are dehumanized to justify how they're treated. Dylan is someone's child. Allison is our child. They are loved. Adored. And all they want is what every human desires--to pursue their dreams, to laugh, to love, to hang out with friends, and for the love of God, to be safe. Just be safe. Is that really too much to ask? Stay strong my dear, dear Dylan! Don't let them hide your sparkle or steal your joy. You have a host of Mama (and Papa) Bears who love you and we're ready to sharpen our claws. Love ya! *I began writing this blog post before our website was live, and also before the whole Bud Light controversy. I worried endlessly about Dylan, her safety and her mental heath. If that sounds weird--to worry about someone I don't know--believe me when I tell you that this isn't just about Dylan. It's a reflection of the danger all trans people are in--including our daughter.

Forgive the Taylor reference here, but I'm just returning from her Cincinnati performance and am still in the lavender haze. I can't think of a more perfect way to spend the last day of Pride. Rainbow colors everywhere, a queer opening act, a stadium full of 80,000 people celebrating queerness and inclusion and love. 'Cuz shade never made anybody less gay! And speaking of...neither did anti-LGBTQ+ legislation. I'm looking at you Florida. As of July 1, trans people--including children over 12--will be thrown in jail for using the bathroom. Full stop. That's the law now in Florida, not some middle-eastern regime. My husband and I were in the midst of planning an anniversary trip to Key West when we heard this news. Key West is a special place for us. We renewed our vows there for our 25th wedding anniversary and were excited to go back until... We stopped planning and have chosen to go somewhere else. How could we possibly go to a state where Allison would be thrown in jail just for walking into a bathroom? If she were in Florida, she would have to go in the men's bathroom to avoid an arrest. It doesn't matter that she is female. It doesn't matter that her state identification and her birth certificate both verify that she's female. Imagine a tall blonde woman walking into a crowded men's room. Or a man with a full beard walking into the women's restroom. Seriously, stop reading and picture both of these scenarios. Picture what it would take for someone to verify that she's transgender. Inspecting her body. Is that uncomfortable for you? Picturing the strip search of an innocent young woman who just needs to pee. If that makes you wince, imagine being her parents. This bathroom nonsense is so misguided. So ridiculous. So manufactured. So illegal--or at least it should be. Let me go on record here...THERE IS NO ONE MORE UNCOMFORTABLE IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM THAN A TRANSGENDER PERSON. Going in to the women's bathroom was so panic-inducing for Allison as a teenager that it incited panic attacks. She often held it all day long to avoid going in there. She has kidney disease, and holding it is the worst thing she can do. But to her, further damaging her kidneys was better than going in that bathroom. The only way we can stop this insanity is to continue to battle the misinformation with a healthy dose of reality. If transgender people using public bathrooms were a safety risk, we would know by now because they have been doing it since public bathrooms were a thing. Transgender people are not pedophiles. Not sex offenders. Not looking to take advantage of anyone. However, this bathroom hysteria conjures up all kinds of irrational fears. Well, I have good news for you. Heinous acts like harassment, stalking, violence and sexual assault are already illegal. For everyone. And that doesn't suddenly become legal by allowing trans people in your bathroom. Oh, and by the way, hundreds of cities, school districts and 18 states across the U.S. have been allowing trans people to use the bathroom they want for many years and guess what? There has not been a rise in violence or assault. Not even a rise in people proclaiming they are trans just to gain access to bathrooms. Law enforcement officials and those investigating and treating sexual assault have all said the same thing...the hysteria is bogus. Next let's talk privacy. Those supporting bathroom bans also talk incessantly about how people deserve privacy in bathrooms. That begs the question...is there anything private about using a public restroom??? Have you EVER felt like you had privacy in there? Let's be real...if women felt like it was private, they wouldn't hold it until they got home to go #2. I mean...you know it's true. Many have suggested this solution--creating private bathrooms for trans people to use. There's just one problem with that theory...women will occupy them all (see above). But seriously, relegating trans people to different bathrooms than the rest of us just reinforces the misnomer that trans people are harmful and need to be separated from the rest of us. What are the consequences of these bathroom bans? We're already hearing awful reports of women with short haircuts being harassed and mislabeled as trans in public bathrooms. Accounts like this only serve to make EVERYONE uncomfortable. Flat chested? Short pixie cut? Wearing a ball hat and flannel? Better hold it until you get home. And how about men... still carrying around the Covid 40 and have some extra bounce in your chest? How about the long hairs and those channeling their inner Bret Michaels? You see where I'm going with this. Doesn't the policing of bathrooms then, by definition, serve to impact privacy and freedom for ALL PEOPLE? Bathroom bans and other anti-trans legislation are severely limiting the states where our family can safely travel. This is the new reality for trans families. HRC is even issuing travel advisories to help us plan--similar to the travel advisories following 9/11. At the very least, LGBTQ+ families are encouraged to do their homework before travel. Journalist Erin Reed has produced a map to help know which states are considering or have implemented anti-trans laws. Check it out before you make travel plans. In summary, bathroom habits are private and should remain so. For all people. But until then mamas and papas, I recommend accompanying your trans or non-binary child in a public bathroom for THEIR safety. At the very least, tell them to stick to the buddy system. If you know someone who supports bathroom bans, please share this message from yours truly...YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!

3,687,840 minutes since Allison shared her truth with us. It was 10:30 at night on June 15, 2016. Just after our oldest graduated high school. Decorations put away from a momentous graduation party, I had settled in to relax for the first time in ages. Our youngest had just completed 7th grade after spending the year recovering from brain surgery to remove a brain tumor. Our oldest was headed to college, and my body had started the strange process of relaxing...and breathing. Allison came down stairs and was pacing frantically, wringing her hands. Her nerves were practically visible, living on the outside of her body. My heart rate began climbing instinctively as if I already knew what was coming. "What's going on babe, everything okay?" I said and then braced myself for what was coming. "I marked this date on my calendar and promised myself that I was going to tell you today no matter what. I've been trying to find the courage to talk to you all day," she said from the body that looked more he than she. I quickly made a mental note that my husband was fast asleep, and I asked myself "why do bad things happen only after he's gone to bed?" I steadied my voice and told her it was okay. Whatever it was, we could deal with it. "I am transgender, and no matter how hard I tried not to be, or how much I pretended, it's who I am and I need your help to figure out the next steps." And there it was. The uncertainty, the fear, the secret I knew in my soul she had been hiding for far too long. Strangely a calm came over me. Not my typical response when faced with a crisis or unexpected change. Not how I responded the first time she tried to share this with me. Not by a longshot. Eighteen months before, when our youngest's health had taken a scary turn and his seizures were growing with intensity, I found a handwritten booklet at my bedroom door. Having creative children, I had been accustomed to finding crafty masterpieces from the kids so this didn't strike me as odd. The contents of this 6-page essay I'd like to keep private, but suffice it to say she explained that she had been feeling more like a girl than a boy since her preschool days, and that the weight of knowing this and holding it so deep within herself had taken its toll. She knew there was a lot to figure out and she wanted to keep it private for now until we had a game plan. I laid awake all night and as soon as I heard her moving around at 5 a.m. I burst into her room near hysterical. If there were a script written for how not to respond, it would have been this. The weight of our youngest's undiagnosed mystery illness, a year of not sleeping, suffocating anxiety, and now this--it was just too much. My fear and overwhelm poured from my eyes. She immediately retreated and recanted. I scared her back into herself. But I knew. I always knew this was coming back around. The night she revealed herself to me--for the second and final time--I sat on the floor with her for over an hour. We spoke candidly and calmly. We joked. And I did everything I could to tell her it would be okay. We would figure it out. We loved her no matter what and wanted her to be happy above all else. I wish I could tell you that it was smooth sailing from there. My husband and I both had our moments when fear and disbelief would settle in. When we would grill her with questions as we tried to reconcile how the cowboy boot wearing, truck and train obsessed, rough and tumble toddler could be anything but male. For reasons I'll explain in future blog posts, we spent the next eleven months worrying, learning, growing and coming to terms with what transgender meant and we did it all privately. Other than trusted medical professionals, therapists and my brother, in whom I confided nearly everything, we didn't tell a soul. Not even our other two children. At first, Allison was on board with this plan--or at least that's what she wanted us to believe. Most likely because she thought we'd be more comfortable this way. But as we saw her mental health deteriorate alarmingly, and discovered through research that life expectancy for transgender people was just 32 at the time (due to violence or death by suicide), we knew she needed to start living her truth sooner rather than later. In June of 2017, we participated in our first Pride celebration as a family. It was overwhelming for so many reasons. I was afraid that my attendance would be reported back to my employer who made it clear they would fire me for showing public support of her. I was overwhelmed by the sites that can only be seen at a Pride event--the costumes, the signs, the "I don't give any f*&^s" contagion as these beautiful, courageous souls lived their truths out loud. I cried the entire time but not for the reasons you think. When I saw more than 100,000 people out to celebrate the LGBTQ+ community, I felt the hope of a love-filled world that could accept her. Fast forward to yesterday, when our family attended our fifth Pride event. I still cried throughout the day. This abundant dose of love is especially poignant now given the rampant trans hate spread like wildfire throughout the U.S. At one point when we were walking with my employer (no, not that one) in the parade, I turned teary-eyed to my husband and said "I wish I could bottle all of this and sprinkle it throughout the year." "Sounds like a blog post," he responded. So that's where we are, still drunk on Pride love. Exhausted from the 15,000 steps taken. And fiercely holding on to the love and hope for better, quieter, more accepting days ahead.

There is so much misinformation circling the drain that is transphobia that it's starting to seep into our own LGBTQ+ community. As a society, the lines of truth and fact have been so blurred that you practically need a PhD to decipher fact from fiction. I'll use this as an example--a fellow Mama Bear was attending a local Pride event in Ohio when she struck up a conversation with an "ally." Referencing the large crowd, she dreamt aloud that she wished all those attending would call or email the Ohio legislature and tell them to leave trans kids alone. The response she received was unexpected. "Well, I don't think kids know their gender. 5 and 6 is too young to decide." This person worked for an Ohio healthcare organization. And was at Pride as an ally. The mistake we make is thinking that everyone wearing rainbows understands trans youth or gender affirming care. That is, in large part, why our family chose to live out loud. To educate, inform, and hopefully by being visible, open some hearts and minds. Here are the facts... Being transgender is about how one identifies, not about medical or surgical transition. One can be transgender (and often is) without taking hormones, puberty blockers or having surgical procedures. For some, gender dysphoria (a state of severe distress caused by feeling that one's gender identity does not match one's sex as registered at birth) is so debilitating and life-threatening that medical intervention is sought in order to dramatically improve this condition. Transgender children cannot give consent for medical intervention. Period. Parents must consent. Always. Additionally, transgender children/parents can't walk into a doctor's office and get puberty blockers or hormones. There are standards of care and mandatory waiting periods. These are the guardrails that already exist when treating children grappling with their gender identity. Speaking of surgery--did you know that trans youth largely cannot and do not have surgery as minors in Ohio? It is true, in very rare instances, that if a parent believes that their child's mental health and physical safety are in dire jeopardy, they can seek surgical procedures but only parents can consent to treatment. And this largely only happens in the very late teen years--again in RARE instances. Never in young children or adolescents. Minors cannot seek or consent to surgical procedures. Most importantly--these surgeries do not take place in children's hospitals. Also, following WPATH standards of care* all transgender and non-binary people seeking surgery have to meet required levels of mental healthcare before any doctor will even discuss surgery--regardless of age. Did you also know that parents can legally and freely seek plastic surgery for their cis-kids (non-trans kids) and no one dares speak of it? (I mean...it's no one's business regardless.) Think rhinoplasty (nose jobs) and breast augmentation. These are being performed on kids under 18 with no complaint or concern. Bills aren't being proposed in state legislatures over this. All this talk of surgery is another misrepresentation--the vast majority of trans people never have surgery--not even adults. This is a fabrication to make folks envision some widespread amputation of body parts to make folks clutch their pearls in horror. I could, and maybe should devote an entire blog post about parental decisions regarding intersex infants (infants born with both vaginas and penises). And yes, this happens and is more common than you think--roughly 2 of every 100 births in the United States**. Those parents are socially pressured to make impossible decisions when their babies are just hours old. This is never spoken about because of the trauma, embarrassment and most importantly the privacy regarding an impossibly complex issue. Banning gender affirming care also means that medical intervention is no longer available for them. Is society ready to educate children, caregivers, schools, etc. about girls with penises and boys with vaginas? See how complex this is? Puberty blockers have been used safely for decades to treat precocious puberty (the rapid and early onset of puberty). They are safe, and they are reversible. The use of puberty blockers and hormone therapy saves lives with minimal side effects. The accounts of children trying to hurt themselves because of life-threatening gender dysphoria are too numerous to mention. I can tell you from our experience that within weeks of beginning hormone therapy (at 17 years old), the sparkle returned to our suicidal child's eyes. She wanted to live again. We cared little for any potential side effects. The only thing that mattered to us is that our daughter would live. And about side effects...have you watched TV lately? Have you read the warning labels on your meds? How about over-the-counter medication? Tylenol? If so you know that there are side effects for everything. Google "side effects for chemotherapy in children" and you will not be able to sleep tonight. But would you choose not to seek chemo for your 6 year old with leukemia? Of course you wouldn't. You'd do whatever it took to save them. So would we as parents of trans kids. So do we. Having these conversations is so important as we continue to fight for our right to seek gender affirming care for our high-risk transgender children. These aren't easy decisions. Parents like us agonize for days, weeks, months, years before taking action and seeking medical intervention. For us, we waited more than 2 years from the first time we knew Allison questioned her gender identity before making an appointment at the gender clinic. And it was another year before she started hormones. We researched, we discussed, we fret, and for us, we prayed. A lot. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk. Now spread the word. *The World Professional Association for Transgender Health promotes the highest standards of health care for individuals through the articulation of Standards of Care (SOC) for the Health of Transsexual, Transgender, and Gender Nonconforming People. The SOC are based on the best available science and expert professional consensus. wpath.org **World Population Review: Intersex People by Country 2023

Today was a traumatizing day for parents of trans kids in Ohio. We're fast on our way to becoming Florida Jr. The gender affirming care ban, Don't Say Gay bill, transgender athlete ban--all moved forward today in the Ohio Legislature. In such a gerrymandered, deep red state (this is a new reality for us--I long for those days of being a purple swing state), there's little hope our beautiful trans kiddos don't come out of this unscathed. With my stress at an all-time high, I took my evening walk to calm down and clear my head. It's Pride month and so there are 4 houses dripping rainbows (we have the gayest house on the block of course), and one has a giant 'LOVE WINS" display in their yard. On any other day, this would make me smile and lift my hands in a glorious Hallelujah. But today, it falls flat. Love wins...except when it doesn't. Love doesn't provide hormone therapy. Love doesn't save my child from wanting to end her life. Love doesn't stop harmful legislation. Love doesn't protect our kids in bathrooms. Love doesn't preserve our freedom to seek medical treatment for our child. Today didn't feel like winning to me. Sometimes, love just isn't enough. The best way to show love to trans families right now is ACTION. Visit our Advocacy page on GraceChangesThings.com to see how you can help. Remember...Allyship is a verb. (It's also a great podcast...check it out!)

If you’re reading this then you’ve found my passion project, Grace Changes Things. Maybe you’re here because you know us and you want to learn more about our journey. Maybe you’re on your own journey and need support. Or maybe you’re still in withdrawal from the end of Schitt’s Creek and are searching for some more LGBTQ+ positivity. Whatever the reason, welcome! I’m glad you’re here! You are always welcome here. Supported here. Loved here. I started Grace Changes Things because I was struggling to make it through this shitstorm of anti-transgender legislation and needed to find community, offer support, and spread some love. For Mama and Papa Bears out there who spend every waking hour fighting to keep your parental rights, thinking about losing gender affirming care for your beautiful trans kiddo, planning to relocate to another state or another country to protect your kids and your family, or feeling like you don’t know how you’re going to keep doing this…I SEE YOU. For those of you who see this happening and want to learn more about the transgender experience, you’re welcome too. I’m not transgender and I’m no expert. But, I am the mother of the most beautiful girl in the world who is and she’s taught me an awful lot. I’m happy to share our experiences with you if it helps. On my website, you’ll find real life experts who will do a better job educating you, so please check out the resources for more information. I am only the expert on our journey–and everyone’s journey is different. Every trans person’s journey is different. Every parent’s journey is different. But if hearing about ours helps you, that would make all of this worthwhile. The mission of Grace Changes Things is to support LGBTQ+ youth and the people who love them. I encourage you to check out the wealth of resources on our website, and if you feel so inclined, subscribe to our blog so that you receive notifications when a new post is available. A podcast is also in the works! There will also be an announcement soon about how you can join us in this work so please stay tuned!