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In a world of gender affirming care bans-- particularly in states where medical professionals risk losing their medical licenses, exorbitant fines, and even jail time--finding resources is now more difficult if not damn-near impossible for so many families. When I launched Grace Changes Things a year ago, I was preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. The website was designed to support families who were navigating a complex journey. It was never meant to be a substitute for care. That's a heavy lift. Fortunately, I work alongside many allies and advocacy groups who are also gathering resources for trans youth and their families. We are in this together. Over the past week, I've added more information to GraceChangesThings.com . Cincinnati-area support groups (including Butler County) LGTBQ+ therapists in OH, KY, IN, TN, VA, WVa and web-based care Gender clinics in surrounding states where care is still legal Gender affirmation surgeons for those 18+ Other resources/groups: PFLAG Cincinnati ​ PFLAG Dayton PFLAG Oxford Transform Cincy Trans Ohio Trans Ohio Trans & Ally Symposium Sept. 6 - 8 --- Register now! Other than VOTE in local, state and national elections, you can help families of transgender youth by sharing this blog post and GraceChangesThings.com . If you would like information you can distribute from your place of business, email us at info@gracechangesthings.com . “I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept.” — Angela Davis

HB 68--the gender affirming care ban and trans athlete ban--is now law in Ohio. It was effective immediately as the judge lifted the restraining order and in his judgment, explained that if people were upset about the law, they should vote instead of going through the judicial system. I guess this is our current reality with partisan judgeships. The stories are harrowing--this law is already wreaking havoc on the lives of children and families. Nurses who can't call in prescription refills. Appointments suddenly canceled. Parents calling their clinic begging for information, and all the staff can say is "I can't provide that for you. I'm so sorry." Young kids who are being outed when school administrators remove them from their sports teams. (For many, their classmates didn't even know they were trans, until now.) Heartless. When I launched Grace Changes Things, my goal was to create a safe space where credible information and resources could be found. Now it feels like a very heavy lift as our doctors, nurses and social workers have been bound and gagged by Republican lawmakers, leaving families to navigate this hostile terrain on their own. I will do my best to keep our website updated with as much useful information as possible. But I may need your help. If you have personal experience with a helpful resource, please let us know by emailing info@gracechangesthings.com . Yesterday, I added information about where to find gender clinics outside of Ohio, as well as other contacts for therapy and gender-affirming surgery (this information is provided for our loved ones 18+ as gender surgery for minors is illegal in Ohio). Visit https://www.gracechangesthings.com/genderaffirmingcare for information, and know that this is provided only as a starting point--it's not a blanket recommendation for these practitioners and therapists. I strongly encourage you to do your own research to find the care that's right for you. Despite what Republicans believe--these laws aren't going to erase trans people. I am just one of many, many allies out here offering advice, information, support, love and even transportation if you need it. You aren't alone. We're here for you.

I've spent the better part of the week trying to wrap my head around all the emotions from this Pride month. On Grace Changes Things, I strive to offer support, resources, education and hope to families of trans kids and all those who want to learn more. My aspirational goal is to provide light in the midst of the darkness we've been experiencing. Grace Changes Things promises to be a soft place to land. Sometimes, that's harder than I imagined. I look forward to Pride every year. It's like a giant rainbow hug. I tend to shed a lot of happy tears, touched by the show of support and the celebratory nature of Pride festivities. This year hit different. In a year when more than 500 pieces of legislation were launched at LGBTQ+ people, and when in my home state of Ohio, the gender affirming care ban became law and trans athletes were banned from competition, I couldn't help but feel that Pride was especially performative this year. Ew. I watched some of the largest companies in the globe participate in our marches and parades, but when asked to flex their muscles to protect trans kids...crickets. This past week alone, the Ohio legislature continued playing games with kids' lives, bypassing procedural rule in order to ban bathroom use for trans kids and adults. Read more about that here . Also of note, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee announced that, if elected, he will defund any school showing support of trans kids on Day 1. Of all the problems facing our country and our world--THIS is his #1 priority?? Sigh. And, as a poignant exclamation point to the final week of Pride, our daughter gathered all of her documents to obtain a passport (not a small feat for a trans person). Her exit strategy is nearly finalized. If that seems like an overreaction, read up on what's already happened in Florida --a state she can't even travel to because it's illegal for her to use the women's restroom or to list female on her state identification. So yeah, I'm struggling to feel the warm and fuzzies. And I know I'm not alone. As much as I didn't want to write about negativity on the last day of Pride, I also know that I promised honesty. Our families deserve at least that. A child's journey to living as their authentic self is beautiful and inspiring. But it's also incredibly challenging and is often filled with landmines. I want to help make a family's transition plan as easy as possible, but I also want to prepare them as best I can. PRIDE month celebrates and commemorates who we are, who we love, and how far we've come. It's an important, visible reminder that we're not going anywhere--LGBTQ+ people and families can't be erased. But it's also rife with PREJUDICE. And so much hate. I'll admit, I get caught up in the celebratory aspect of Pride month as much as anyone. We fly a Progress Pride flag, I wear a rainbow watch band, paint my toes in rainbow colors, have a rainbow purse strap, and show off my colorful rainbow earrings (my collection of rainbow jewelry is quite extensive). I'm literally dripping in rainbows throughout June. But that doesn't mean I pack it all away June 30. Now, more than ever, we need to remember that the Pride movement isn't just one month--it's all year long. We need allyship July through May too. We need you to do more than show up to a parade waving your rainbow flag. More than decorating a float, draping employees in free pride swag and blasting Born This Way from your speakers. We need you to show up in C-suites and state capitols as well. Proudly, loudly and loyally support the LGBTQ+ community. Pick up the phone and call your elected officials. Tell them you don't want to do business in a state that targets your employees and customers. As corporate America lessens its support (read more here ), the Pride movement feels precarious at best. It only continues if we stand up to those trying to shut it down. There are roughly 340 million people in the United States. Only 7.6% are LGBTQ+. Math isn't my strong suit, but that's not enough to effect significant change. LGBTQ+ equality rests on all of us. In the words of the one who started it all, "No pride for some of us without liberation for all of us."

It's the most wonderful time of the year! It's Pride month, and it goes without saying that our LGBTQ+ friends deserve a little celebration and fun to recharge their batteries after another challenging year. I couldn't be happier to kick off this month in my hometown of Hamilton, Ohio at its fourth annual Pride March and Festival. It's always the first Saturday of June, and the official kick-off to Pride month for our family. What started with just 40 vendors and hundreds of attendees in 2021 has grown more than FOUR TIMES that size! Just seeing our downtown park filled with sparkles and smiles, young and old, neighbors and newcomers brings about so many emotions. It reminds me of what's possible when we LIVE and let LOVE. Perhaps the moist poignant part of the day was the predictable appearance of protestors and how our little community responded. Surrounding the hateful signs and sign-holders were a sea of rainbow umbrellas. This "parasol patrol" was a beautiful symbol of allyship. I saw community leaders, drag queens, postal service workers, retired firefighters and small business owners grabbing umbrellas and standing shoulder to shoulder to shield guests from the toxic rhetoric. Even when the protestors decided to enter the park, the parasol patrol moved with them. And they stayed on duty until every last protestor retreated. Normally I steer clear of protestors because their hate speech is so vile it makes my stomach sick. But this time, I was drawn to them. What I experienced was not what I expected. Instead of an in-your-face hostile demonstration, I witnessed acts of love from total strangers. All you could feel was hope. People were cheering, smiling, and yes, shedding tears--but this time they were tears of gratitude. During Pride Month, let's challenge one another to put our allyship into action. Let's grab our umbrellas and shield our LGBTQ+ friends, family and neighbors from hate--and not just for a month. They need us all year round. It's time to shower our fellow humans with love. Who's with me? Happy Pride!

Today is Easter for those who celebrate. And it's also International Day of Transgender Visibility. This is not lost on me. In fact, I think it's pretty poignant. Easter used to be one of my favorite days of the year. For me, it's the official Spring kick off. I reminisce about new pastel dresses, full Easter baskets, family gatherings, delicious food. I think about the end of Lent where you gorge yourself on whatever you gave up--chocolate, ice cream, social media. I think a lot about my parents on holidays. Both struggled to figure out parenthood during my childhood, but the one thing they truly excelled at was holidays. As a struggling single parent, money was tight, but our Mom always found fun small things to fill our baskets. When I was young it was a new pair of jacks, a paddle ball, yo-yo and jump rope. At our Dad's, they dispensed with traditional baskets and went full on with large gift boxes filled with plastic Easter grass, candy and always cash. The larger the chocolate bunny or decorated chocolate egg the better. Our uncle owned a popular pharmacy on the east side of town, so our stepmom stocked up on the good stuff. No hollow bunnies for her. When I became a parent, I took the challenge of Easter basket filling very seriously. I would hunt and hunt for just the right gifts. Always going overboard, their special Easter surprises usually spilled over, but that was all part of the excitement. Mike's family had the fun tradition of hiding baskets for the kids to find Easter morning. This is one of my favorite holiday memories! Watching our three rambunctious tykes run around, usually in just a diaper or underwear, was pure joy for me. Spiritually, the story of Jesus rising from the dead captures my imagination. If I'm honest, I was a doubting Thomas more than I wasn't, but I've always been drawn to a good redemption story--the idea of starting over. A rebirth. I also love the concept of faith--believing what's in your heart even when your brain screams that it doesn't make sense. Blind faith guided me most of my life when I could rarely make sense of my reality. It would become most useful when we learned our middle child was transgender. Coming out as trans is the ultimate redemption story. Peeling away the former version of you--the version everyone came to know--in order to give new life to your one true self. Trans folk encounter many doubting Thomases along the way. But then there are those who see and believe without hesitation. My husband and I were the doubters of our family. Initially struggling to see Allison in her truth. Trying to make sense of things. Searching for facts. Following our brains and not our hearts. Our other children saw her from go. Their hearts knew and were the first to recognize her as she emerged from the tomb of despair. When we could no longer make it make sense, we both landed squarely in a faith that chose to believe in her and her belief in herself. We were eyewitnesses to her resurrection and saw her new life blossom into something truly beautiful and remarkable. The miracle of a life raised from the dark. Transgender Day of Visibility is the day we set aside each year to celebrate the resurrection of trans people across the globe. We honor and validate their rebirth, and the new life they represent in their daily lives. To be visible as a trans person in today's charged anti-trans climate is nothing short of courageous. We honor and celebrate the day. We share the stories of trans people in the hopes that one day it's no longer needed because trans people are able to live their lives fully out of the shadows and without fear of persecution. Like most families of LGBTQ+ children, religion conjurs a mess of emotions. So many of us have been cast aside. But on the holiest day of the year in the Christian calendar, I can't help but think about how Jesus would treat our families, and our trans loved ones in particular. I believe that the one who welcomed the outcast would be among the first to bear witness to their truth. He would see their humanity above all else--no labels or days of visibility needed. They would be fully visible to him. Today, I honor the one who preached "love one another as I have loved you" while celebrating the lives of transgender people everywhere. Happy resurrection day! And Happy Easter to all those who celebrate!

Moments ago, the Ohio House of Representatives voted to override Governor DeWine's veto of HB 68--the gender affirming care ban. The votes came down strict party lines. The live stream was torture, and I questioned whether I should watch. The reality is, we're living this nightmare along with so many other families, so ignoring what's happening is not really an option. As the constant stress and trauma of fighting this level of government-sponsored hate is taking its toll on me physically, I am now paying particular attention to my physical and mental health. I will do my family no good if I'm no longer here to fight for them. I lit a favorite candle, hit the mute button when the vitriol became too much, and texted friends, family and allies. And, yes, spit several curse words at the screen along with a notable finger or two. As I was meditating and thinking about how to redirect my thoughts, I was reminded of a blog post from this summer, Love > Fear, and I wanted to share some of it again today. Especially today. Take care, dear ones. Put your oxygen mask on first. Breathe first so that you can continue to care for your family and your precious, precious trans loved ones. Look for the love and milestones in your own homes and your own journeys. The government can't legislate LOVE. I want to speak directly to the weary trans families reading this--even when we have to travel to our state capitals time and again to testify against gender affirming care bans, even on the days when we are forced to share our most private thoughts, feelings and experiences as trans parents in the hopes of changing hearts and minds, even on the daily when we hear of new laws, new bills, new ways to wipe our kids from existence--it's worth it. IT'S. ALL. WORTH. IT. To see Allison living her life and experiencing the normal highs and lows of early adulthood is something I wouldn't trade for any other life. How many parents can say that their child found their way, their purpose and their truth at such a young age? Our kids are forced to grow up so fast. I haven't yet met a trans kid who didn't have a wise, old soul. These kids know who they are. Full stop. In case you need a reminder--when fear tries to steal your comfort and yes, your sleep--please remember, dear ones, what fear and its evil twin, hate, can't take. Your first Pride The bright smile you haven't seen in years Her first Prom Hearing hysterical laughter lofting upstairs as she watches a movie with her brothers The look on her face when she comes out from the dressing room in clothes that fit her new curves perfectly Listening to her hopes and dreams for the future--one she never thought she'd live to see The note you receive from her new teacher telling you what a joy she is to have in class and how much her participation adds to the discussion The day you receive the court orders legally changing her name and the gender marker on her birth certificate The call when she gets her dream job--the one she told you about when she was little The excited text when she gets her first paycheck Moving her into her first apartment Picking up her girlfriend at the airport and seeing the sheer joy on her face when she's with the one her heart loves The sound of her singing in the shower When she calls just to say hi and share about the dinner she made Every day she wakes up because your worst fears were that one day she wouldn't Love is greater than Fear. Every minute of every hour of every day. Hold tightly to those smiles my friends.

Last week I attended the Out & Equal Conference as a representative of my employer. Out & Equal is a non-profit dedicated to workplace equity, inclusion and belonging for LGBTQ+ people. The Out & Equal Workplace Summit is the largest LGBTQ+ workplace equality event in the world. I was one of more than 4,000 in-person attendees--members of the LGBTQ+ community and allies--who loudly, proudly and cautiously descended upon Orlando and Disney World. Security was a high-priority for the Summit given the current climate in Florida. You couldn't walk more than 10 feet without seeing a security guard. Provisions were made to escort attendees off planes and to bathrooms if needed to keep our trans and non-binary travelers safe (and out of jail). It was a wake-up call--proof that reports of anti-LGBTQ+ sentiment in Florida aren't just news fodder. Our dinner in Disney Springs mid-week was a stark reminder that hate abounds. My colleagues, proudly wearing tees with LGBTQ+ pride messaging, felt more unsafe than they ever have walking to dinner. The glares and stares, the righteous indignation. Another reminder of how much we've retreated in terms of acceptance. We couldn't get out of there fast enough and back to the safety of our hotel. Fortunately, that was our only brush with hate. What we experienced in the safe haven of Summit was exactly the opposite--it was sheer bliss. You could see happiness wafting from each and every person you met. Not unlike the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy discovers she's no longer in Kansas--the world was saturated with color. All types of people, ethnicities, races, orientations, and identities were represented. Some had been out most of their lives. Others were newly out--the "baby gays." And some found the courage to share their true selves for the very first time. Everyone shared their pronouns. Drag queens walked through the conference center. There were men dressed in suits, and women in stilettos. People in three piece suits with matching heels. In dresses and combat boots. In skirts with unshaven legs. In full makeup and a beard. Every bathroom was gender neutral. Two mommies and two daddies brought their children for family vacations. And to Fox News' dismay, no one was abused, or groomed, or brainwashed. No children were harmed or victimized. There were no awkward stares or jaws dropping in the safety of our space. There were no long bathroom lines either--plenty of potties to go around! There were smiles. And hugs. And compliments galore. "You look fabulous!" "Those shoes are AMAZING!" "Your eyes really pop in that color." "Your whole look this week has been on point!" "I love your earrings!" "Honey where'd you get that dress?" "You have the best smile!" We heard from LGBTQ+ leaders at the world's largest companies--Dell, JPMorgan Chase, Apple, Google, GE, Procter & Gamble, Deloitte, The Walt Disney Company, Toyota, McDonald's, General Motors, Microsoft, Boeing, Molson Coors. And government departments like the CIA, NASA, Homeland Security, the FBI, the Veteran's Administration. We learned from trans and non-binary executives who have risen to the top of their respective careers because they are affirmed and supported in the workplace. Because they are seen first and foremost as humans with a lot to offer their companies and the world. We were reminded why being inclusive is good for business and the economy--did you know that when employees feel the need to "cover" and hide their sexual orientation and/or gender identity, they lose 30% in productivity? (Deloitte will be unveiling this new research soon.) We learned. We listened. We shared. We cried. We laughed. We celebrated. We hugged. But ultimately, at the end of the week, we were just a bunch of people who went to a work conference. And that sameness was life-giving. As I spend a good amount of my time advocating for our trans and non-binary youth, this week served as an important reminder why equality also must extend to the workplace. Inclusive healthcare, including mental health benefits, are vitally important. Safe work spaces foster creativity and productivity. There are so many excellent companies and organizations who believe in the power of inclusivity in the workplace. Seek them out. Tell your kids to research an organization and their LGBTQ+ policies before applying. Look at HRCs Equality Index. Talk to employees about the culture. We spend most of our time at work. Make sure you can take your full self there. This week was a love bonanza. It was, quite honestly, the definition of UTOPIA. A world in which we could all thrive. I was sad to come back to reality. And to long women's bathroom lines. I will keep fighting for a day when every space is the happiest place on earth.

As we sat on the couch waiting for the press conference to begin, I realized I had been listening to that ominous classical music on the Ohio Channel for far too long. It may be seared in my head for eternity. Could today really be the end of a long two-year journey? Will he veto? If he vetoes, we have yet another fight on our hands and we're all so mentally and physically exhausted. This felt different than watching all the other live streams from Columbus. This one was even more personal. After years of emailing and calling our legislators only to be ignored when we asked to meet them and share our story, this past week was a breakthrough. Governor DeWine invited us to meet him at his home. He wanted to meet Allison and learn more about our family's experience as he made his final decision. As we pulled into the drive, we saw Dolly first--the DeWine's adorable springer spaniel. I instantly felt calm--our kids would feel better with a dog around. We sat around the fireplace and Allison shared every painstaking detail of her story. Questioning her gender identity. Battling severe suicidal ideation. Not being able to envision her future. Years of self-harm. Finally having the courage to come out to save her own life. Mike and I shared our experience. How we doubted her at first. We hoped it was just a phase. We knew nothing about being transgender. How we feared for her life and for her safety. And then, how through family therapy and months of appointments with experts at Cincinnati Children's, we began to accept that this was her truth. We spent over an hour with the Governor. I thanked him for his leadership during the pandemic and told him how eerily similar that time was with this moment. The misinformation swirling. The fear mongering. The politicization of a health issue that should have never been political. I told him that what I admired most about him was that despite all the noise, he followed the advice of doctors and scientists. And how desperately we needed him to do that now. We talked about our children's health challenges and how we trusted doctors to treat them for serious illness, brain tumors and seizures. Allison deserved the same. And we had a right to make these decisions as her parents just as we had for our other children. He listened intently and asked a number of questions. He was respectful and gentle in his questioning. It was obvious he was listening to understand. As our time together ended, he extended a hand to Allison and held it, thanking her for her willingness to meet. He walked us to our car with Dolly trailing close behind as we talked about family Christmases, baseball, governing during a pandemic and his pizza oven (which had Connor's eye the moment we parked). As we pulled away from the farm, we heaved a collective sigh of relief. I had hoped I would sleep better after we met, but sleep evaded me. I knew our hospitals and families had done absolutely everything possible to effect change and turn the tides. It was an incredible effort by so many across the state. We came out in the hundreds. We camped out in the statehouse. There were thousands of emails sent and voicemails left. Hundreds of hours of testimony shared. We outgunned the bill's proponents 10:1. But was it enough? The clock was ticking. As Governor DeWine stood at the podium explaining his arduous examination process, our hearts were racing. For the first time in two years, we heard a government official speak truth to our collective experiences. There are no surgeries being performed on minors in the state of Ohio. Two-thirds of minors in the state receiving gender affirming care are not prescribed medication. Children's hospital physicians are treating gender dysphoria following stringent, multi-disciplinary practices but only in full consultation parents who must provide consent. Tears began flowing before we even heard him utter these words, "These are gut-wrenching decisions that should be made by parents and should be informed by teams of doctors who are advising them." This tumultuous time has caused so much trauma for our trans kiddos and their families, and for all who have fought so hard to defeat this hateful bill. I don't think any one of us will be the same. As I shared with Governor DeWine, our lives are now measured in Before and After. Before we knew we had a transgender child, and after. As we sat together processing the veto and all that transpired this week, we agreed that we never imagined our lives would be this way, let alone the role we would play in fighting for trans kids and families. One thing we know for sure--Allison sets the example for us all. Watching her talk about her darkest times with the governor of our state was the most courageous thing I've ever seen her do other than transitioning. She is our inspiration to keep fighting. She never gives up. Neither will we. We know this war isn't over. Ohio has a super majority and several legislators are already promising to override the veto. But today, we can breathe a little easier knowing we live to fight another day. Governor DeWine--thank you for seeing us and for speaking truth about our experiences. Thank you for being so thorough in your research. Thank you for listening to our medical experts. Thank you for debunking the false narratives about surgeries on minors and doctors forcing meds on children. Thank you for having the courage to look beyond politics and the wishes of many in your own party. Thank you for putting the lives of Ohioans above special interests. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Ohio is just two votes away from criminalizing gender affirming care for transgender youth. At a very basic level, this means that the government is giving itself the legal authority to dictate the medical care of children. Read that again. Ohio's politicians will legislate when, how and if parents can seek medical care for their children. Forget for a moment that this is about transgender kids. Imagine instead that the government suddenly banned experimental cancer treatments for our sickest kids. The entire state would be up in arms. And yet, trans families like ours feel like we're screaming into a void. Quite simply, there are far too few of us to build momentum and force legislators to back the hell off our kids and our private lives. Time is running out, and there is simply no time to wax poetic or go into a long description of why this is happening. Opponent testimony (that's us) is expected next week with a full senate vote to enact the law to be held shortly thereafter. This is our last hope. Our last stand to protect our children. Children who have been through enough. Children who are already FIVE TIMES more likely to attempt suicide. We need you. Our friends and family. Our neighbors. Our educators. Our public safety officers. Our first responders. Our healthcare workers. Our citizens who believe in freedom. So what are we asking? Send emails. Make phone calls. Share this on social media. Ask everyone you know to stand up and tell our government to leave families alone. Let parents parent and doctors practice medicine. Let the #1 children's hospital in the country do what it does best---provide world-class, evidence-based care for all children. And if you are really committed, show up. Come to Columbus with us and fill the halls of the statehouse. Show the politicians who were elected to represent ALL Ohioans that they are committing fraud. They are playing politics with people's lives. We're begging. We're at the end of this road and quite frankly, the odds are not in our favor. Good friends and good families will have no choice but to flee the state in order to save their children's lives. How is that OK in this state? In this country? It may be your child, your family next. Extremism knows no boundaries. Here's how you can help today. The clock is ticking. To make it simple, here are some ideas of what to say on a voicemail message or to a staffer: "I live in (city) and I'm calling to urge the Senator to VOTE NO on House Bill 68. This bill removes parental freedom to seek medical care for their children. These are private family matters and it's none of the government's business." "House Bill 68 violates personal freedoms. This law has no place in the United States of America. I urge the senator to vote NO on House Bill 68." "Vote NO on House Bill 68. Parents alone should be in charge of their children's lives--not the government." Sample email language: Dear Senator _________, I am writing to urge you to vote NO on HB 68. My main objection to this bill is the ban on medical care of transgender youth. This bill puts the government in charge of private family matters. There is no room for this in a free society. Banning gender affirming care in Ohio attacks an already vulnerable population of adolescents and teenagers. What parents and medical doctors decide is honestly none of our business, and it's certainly not the government's business. Parents alone should have the freedom in Ohio to seek appropriate, evidence-based medical care for their children WITHOUT government intervention. HB 68 revokes parental freedom and ignores the expertise of Ohio's world-renowned physicians. Politicians should not be playing doctor with children's lives.

Finding out we were parents of a transgender child was like landing in a foreign country after being blindfolded--we had no idea where we were and we didn't speak the language. We struggled with how to parent during what we thought might be a teenage, hormone-fueled crisis. The consequences of not believing her, or of blocking her from pursuing her true identity were dire. If we were wrong (spoiler alert...we were) the likelihood that she could die by suicide hit us square in the face. We quickly realized that it was time for us to listen and follow her for a change. She didn't need parents to guide her. She needed us to get the hell out of the way so she could pursue her one true life. As parents new to learning about the transgender experience, we consumed all the information we could about transgender children, gender identity and gender dysphoria. We poured through so many books, articles, documentaries, etc., and yet nothing resembled our experience. Allison wasn't saying she was a girl as a toddler. In fact, it was the opposite. She wore red cowboy boots, was a rough and tumble little kid. She got dirty. She played with cars and trucks. She tackled her brothers with gusto. Needless to say, when she told us at 14 that she felt like a girl, it blindsided us. After a lot of conversations, therapy and education from medical professionals, we came to realize that every trans person's experience is different. Yes, some children begin expressing their gender identity when they are small children. They beg to wear clothes that match their identity and not their sex assigned at birth, while others come to this knowing much later in life. As private people living a very public life (we grew up in a small town--iykyk) we've been asked so many questions. "Did she have surgery?" "Is she going to have surgery?" When is she having surgery? Surgery, surgery, surgery (so many people think I'll just willingly talk about our child's private parts) "Was she telling you this when she was young?" "Did she used to wear dresses as a kid? Did she play with dolls?" "So that means she likes boys?" "Is she gay?" The question of transitioning is one of the most intriguing and yet misunderstood aspects of being transgender and having a trans kid. For parents (and loved ones interested in learning more), I thought I'd share our transition experience to dispel the bad info circulating in state houses, social media, bars, school board meetings, and now in Washington D.C. What Transition Looked Like for Us Allison began sharing her gender identity at 14. We started meeting with doctors and therapists more than a year later. By 16 when her dysphoria was life-threatening, we agreed to approve the use of a reversible testosterone blocker in order to limit hair growth. The thickening hair growing on her arms, legs and face induced self-harm and made it so that she couldn't stand to look at herself as evidenced by the sheet covering her bathroom mirror. The decision to begin medical transition was life-saving treatment. Yes, it was reversible, something so many are hung up on for trans kids. The medication she needed--spironolactone--is actually a diuretic and blood pressure drug. Fortunately for us, this drug would also benefit her kidneys (Allison also lives with polycystic kidney disease.) It's a safe drug that has been used to address a number of issues for many years including acne for women and congestive heart failure. It is an anti-androgen which means it also stops male hormones, like testosterone, from working. What's important to know here is that our clinic doctors didn't quickly prescribe spironolactone and send us on our way like legislators would have you believe. It was thoughtful, well researched, done in consultation with her medical team in nephrology, and, most importantly, only possible with our consent. It took another year before we started talking with her doctors about hormone therapy. There were a number of stringent requirements and international standards of care, including mental health therapy. She was anxious to start. We were more comfortable taking the slow route. We have a scary breast cancer history in my husband's family (my mother-in-law was BRCA+) so we consulted with geneticists too--all available through Cincinnati Children's Transgender Health Clinic. After months of appointments, consultations, and careful, prayerful consideration, we talked as a family about any possible increased breast cancer risk (there is no research on breast cancer risk and transgender hormone therapy so we couldn't base this decision on science or data). Allison, as always, put this in perspective. "I'd rather live one day as a woman knowing I might get cancer, than never live as my true self." She was 18 by this point, so it really was her decision. She started a micro-dose of estrogen. There was a lot of blood work. More consultation with her medical team. Slowly increasing estrogen. Another year later with regular monitoring and blood work, she began progesterone. During the last four years she's been researching and contemplating surgical options. We still aren't there yet. She understands the permanence, the risks, and the costs. She's taking her time to make sure surgery is what she wants and not what is expected. If you watch television and see all the nasty election ads, you would think trans kids are cutting off body parts. It's just not happening. These surgeries don't happen to children--they are performed on consenting adults by physicians who treat adults. These are big decisions, taken with immense care, time and medical consideration. Many trans people never have surgery either because of the reasons previously mentioned, or because they simply don't want to surgically transition. The thought of surgery used to weigh heavily on me. It is such a big step. However, I'm now completely at peace with whatever decision she makes. She still battles dysphoria, and I want her to experience life in the body that matches her identity. To be honest, I don't know how much I'll share if she does choose to pursue surgical transition. What I do share will only be with her permission. The Types of Transition It's important to know that because each trans and non-binary person's experience is different, every transition is different as well. There are generally four types of transition and they aren't necessarily sequential. For example, some people start with social transition, while others may begin medical transition before coming out socially. Some never medically or surgically transition. And many cannot legally transition because the laws related to doing so are different in every state. Social transition--This phase is the most common. Name and pronoun changes. Wardrobe changes. New hairstyles. New undergarments that hold in or camouflage the body parts that cause the most dysphoria. Chest binders that fit tightly around the breasts in order to conceal them. Tight underwear or tucking panties hold in or tuck the penis. Legal transition--This looks different depending on the state/country in which a trans person was born or where they reside. Name changes and gender marker changes on birth certificates must be done by petitioning probate court. Gender markers may be changed on a driver's license or state identification without petitioning the court in some instances with the proper documentation. Social security cards can be reissued in one's new legal name by filing paperwork with the Social Security Administration. Passports can also be issued with new legal name and gender marker documentation. All of this comes with one GIANT caveat...across this country courthouses, judges, county clerks and state personnel are making decisions about how easy or difficult legal transition will be--especially for minors. I highly recommend reaching out to other parents in your county and state who have walked this road. Attorneys aren't required for any step in legal transition, however, it may be necessary if you run into roadblocks. Medical transition--In this phase, medical refers to supporting transition through medical means such as gender affirming hormone therapy--puberty pausers, testosterone blockers, estrogen and progesterone therapy. These therapies are safe and largely reversible. There are a number of requirements that must be met for minors. Parental consent being #1. Other requirements are time (you can't walk into a gender affirming clinic and get meds because you ask for them), months or years in therapy, and constant medical supervision. Surgical transition--For the very few, gender affirmation surgery is a life-saving method to address extreme gender dysphoria. There are a number of gender affirming surgeries that some transgender and non-binary adults seek to treat dysphoria and gain peace and agency over their bodies. Some examples of surgical transition include facial reconstructive surgery--to make facial features appear more masculine or feminine; top surgery--removal or augmentation of breasts and breast tissue; and bottom surgery--transformation of genitalia. For new trans parents--this is a lot of information to absorb. Just know this...you don't have to be the experts. Check our Resources page. Rely on your therapist and physicians. Connect with other trans families. My best advice is to take it one day, one step at a time. When the decisions come down to life-saving treatment, it's quite simple. We wanted our daughter to live. If she had cancer, we would go to the ends of the earth to save her life. That's exactly what we did with her gender dysphoria diagnosis. If you looked at Allison's bio on our "About" page, you may have watched her story on the local news. In Allison's words, it all came down to this..."I didn't want to live. And now I do. Cincinnati Children's saved my life."

If I had a dollar for every time someone said “you guys are amazing parents” I could retire and do Grace Changes Things full time. I have such complicated feelings when I hear that. My first thought…sadness. Why should we be celebrated for loving and supporting our kid? What part of just loving your kid sounds like you should win a Parent of the Year award? If the unconditional love we have for our daughter makes us that unusual, what does that say for all the other kids? Who don’t feel loved? Who don’t feel worthy? Who know that by being themselves, they’ll sacrifice love from their parents–the ones who gave them life? Look, I know that happens. More than it doesn’t. Don’t believe me? Look up the homeless rate of LGBTQ+ youth. If love is the bar, if that’s the barometer by which we judge parenting skills, I wish I had known that twenty seven years ago–would have saved myself a whole lot of guilt. My second thought–if they only knew how we almost f*#*d it up. I've written about this time before, and it's hard to relive no matter how often I share it. Allison came out to us twice. The first time, my reaction can only be described as hysterical. I cried. I panicked. She retreated and recanted. My response was fueled by fear. I was terrified, and when I feel threatened in anyway, my fight instinct kicks in. I fight to protect myself from hard. From complicated. From things I don’t understand. I didn’t understand what it meant to be transgender. I had always been an ally to the LGBT community, without ever knowing what the T meant. And I’d never even heard of the Q, I or As. She denied herself for our comfort for nearly 2 years. I have so much shame about that. During that time, my Mama Bear sense told me that door wasn’t officially closed. I started researching gender identity and dysphoria. And yet. I still couldn’t see it. Or was I refusing to see it? The second and final time she came out, I was much calmer. She was terrified. And resolved. She paced the floor. I listened. I sat on the floor with her. We talked for a long time. By outward appearances, I was the model parent, saying the right things. Being supportive. But my insides were shaking. I had no idea how to handle this. The fear felt like it was oozing out of my pores. She was ready to go. She’d been waiting for most of her life. I was hoping we could keep this to ourselves for awhile longer. As always, she sensed that too. Told us she didn’t want to transition until after high school. My brain heard “buying time before shit gets real.” Please don’t misunderstand–it wasn’t because I didn’t believe her. Nor was it because I thought there was anything wrong with being trans. It was none of that. How do we do this? How will the world treat her? What if we can’t protect her? What if we can’t do this? What if we mess up and she ends up hating us. Her life will be so much harder on this path. After coming out to family, friends and the world, we experienced plenty of hard, lots of judgement, and lost so much of our former life. Relationships. Her school. Our faith. My career in Catholic education. But we gained much as well. New friendships. New school. Surprise support and acceptance from many. New career. Amazing opportunities. We learned that no matter how hard this journey can be, the blessings far outweigh the pain. Her smile and her joy make every difficult day worthwhile--yes, even these days when we're spending so much of our time fighting for her right to exist. It's still worth it. I launched Grace Changes Things during a time of unfathomable hate being hurled at trans and queer youth and their families. Of all the scenarios I played in my head during sleepless nights, this current reality is something I never envisioned. Currently a large, vocal and powerful mob is taking aim at our queer children and our parental rights, as well as our doctors, therapists, teachers, schools, and extracurricular activities like sports, with the hopes of eliminating us. If the word "eliminate" sounds harsh, a quick Google search of trans laws in Florida will prove I'm right. I want to speak directly to the weary trans families reading this--even when we have to travel to our state capitals time and again to testify against gender affirming care bans, even on the days when we are forced to share our most private thoughts, feelings and experiences as trans parents in the hopes of changing hearts and minds, even on the daily when we hear of new laws, new bills, new ways to wipe our kids from existence--it's worth it. IT'S. ALL. WORTH. IT. To see Allison living her life and experiencing the normal highs and lows of early adulthood is something I wouldn't trade for any other life. How many parents can say that their child found their way, their purpose and their truth at such a young age? Our kids are forced to grow up so fast. I haven't yet met a trans kid who didn't have a wise, old soul. These kids know who they are. Full stop. In case you need a reminder--when fear tries to steal your comfort and yes, your sleep--please remember, dear ones, what fear and its evil twin, hate, can't take. Your first Pride The bright smile you haven't seen in years Her first Prom Hearing hysterical laughter lofting upstairs as she watches a movie with her brothers The look on her face when she comes out from the dressing room in clothes that fit her new curves perfectly Listening to her hopes and dreams for the future--one she never thought she'd live to see The note you receive from her new teacher telling you what a joy she is to have in class and how much her participation adds to the discussion The day you receive the court orders legally changing her name and the gender marker on her birth certificate The call when she gets her dream job--the one she told you about when she was little The excited text when she gets her first paycheck Moving her into her first apartment Picking up her girlfriend at the airport and seeing the sheer joy on her face when she's with the one her heart loves The sound of her singing in the shower When she calls just to say hi and share about the dinner she made Every day she wakes up because your worst fears were that one day she wouldn't Love is greater than Fear. Every minute of every hour of every day. Hold tightly to those smiles my friends.

It's been a minute since my last post. My plan is to post weekly about our journey as parents of a trans kid, about transition itself, about gender affirming care, and about current events. But I didn't account for the weeks when I just wasn't feeling it, for lack of a better phrase. Or maybe I'm feeling too damn much. Either way, here we are. I've been pretty melancholy this week, and as is typical for me, I don't realize it until others close to me do. "What's wrong?" "Everything OK?" "I'm not sure why we're arguing about this?" are things people say to me when this fog settles in. I'm short tempered. I pick fights with my husband. I dead scroll my phone for hours. I eat crappy food (did you know that Oreos are vegan AND they have gluten free ones?). Or so I've heard. In the last week more hate-filled anti-trans, anti-LGBTQ+ legislation was introduced in Ohio and in Washington. Members of the Ohio House are now looking to ban drag shows. Senator J.D. Vance (from Ohio) introduced a federal bill to ban gender affirming care for trans youth. It sure feels like Ohio is becoming the new epicenter of hate, and we live squarely in its crosshairs. Last weekend I attended an incredible musical performance in Cincinnati calling attention to the many people and groups we target and judge--by skin color, gender, body size and shape, sexual orientation, gender identity, socio-economic and mental health status. "Label-less," by Lachey Arts, is performed by a diverse troupe of 14-24 year olds. If the number of wadded up, wet tissues and the size of my crying headache were any indication, then, yes, this show was a 20 out of 10. I was blown away by the talent of these young performers, sure. But what hit particularly hard was the realization that this generation gets it, and they also are not in charge. It will take awhile for them to receive the baton and start changing things. And that reality settled deep in my bones. The hope of a new, more accepting time feeling further and further from our grasp. Deep breath. This period of meh will be short lived. It usually is. It doesn't take long before I start to feel sick of feeling stuck. Sick of feeling sad. Fed up with the way things are. I've learned a lot since Allison came out. At that time, I was dealing with a very sick child and a child who didn't want to live. Stress and overwhelm ruled my days, and my body just shut down. That Mother's Day I couldn't get out of bed. Every inch of my body hurt and I literally thought I was dying. Months later I learned I had fibromyalgia. Knowing that I needed to be a strong Mama Bear for the battles that lie ahead, I understood that I had to take care of myself so that I could be there for my family. The old "put the oxygen mask on yourself first" scenario. That's when I decided I finally needed to learn how to do this thing called "self care." I fed my body with nutrition. Avoided foods that made me sick and inflamed. I started walking daily. I recommitted myself to therapy. I still had plenty of bad days, weeks and seasons, but overall I was taking care of myself for the first time in...ever. And that's the first piece of advice I give to parents who reach out to me for support. Before I ask about their child, I ask "What are you doing to take care of yourself?" This life isn't easy. Being someone who loves a trans kid isn't for the faint of heart. You have to be committed to doing whatever it takes to love and support your reason while fending off and protecting them from a world that doesn't believe them, doesn't want to see them, or simply doesn't care. Here are my favorite ways to take care of me. Pick one or two and just start there. Journal--Write about your most honest and scary thoughts, questions and feelings Listen to music--I made a playlist when Allison came out that I listened to on every walk. I'm sharing it with you below in case music is healing for you as well. Take a bath--Yes, guys can do this too. Fill that tub. Add bubbles, epsom salts, a bath bomb. Light some candles. Listen to yacht rock. Sleep--This is a hard one. I was the worst at it. CBD oil, time-release melatonin, lavender spray and calming music are all things you can find in my nightstand. Move your body--Just get out there and walk, ride a bike, or whatever is enjoyable for you. I walk almost daily--it's when I do my best crying--and I found the most precious pilates studio that's part exercise and part therapy all in one. (@TerraLuna on Instagram for friends near the 45011--check it out!) Feed your body--I know. I can feel your eyes rolling. But listen--desserts and mashed potatoes have their place (see Oreos above). Just don't make it your main source of comfort. Sugar and simple carbs (the white stuff) cause inflammation, interrupt sleep, raise your blood pressure and blood sugar. You won't do your family any good if you're sick. Spend time in nature. Sit on your deck. Walk in the woods. Go to a park. Find a support group. If you're local, check out our Resources page. Do Therapy. I'm not talking about therapy for your kiddo. I'm talking about therapy for yourself. Where you can be real and honest about what YOU are experiencing. Watch Ted Lasso--You think I'm kidding. Dive into a world surrounded by kindness and Dad jokes. Any good show will do, honestly, as long as it entertains you or helps you escape reality if only for 120 minutes. I had a better day today. The fog is starting to lift. Even though it was a work from home day when I would normally live in yoga pants, I did my hair and put on a cute summer outfit I've not yet worn. I even wore cute shoes from my bedroom to my home office down the hall. I drank lots of water and I made a really yummy salad for dinner. And the Oreos are almost gone. Take care of you. Your special reason is bravely seeking happiness. You should too.