It's been a minute since my last post. My plan is to post weekly about our journey as parents of a trans kid, about transition itself, about gender affirming care, and about current events. But I didn't account for the weeks when I just wasn't feeling it, for lack of a better phrase. Or maybe I'm feeling too damn much. Either way, here we are.
I've been pretty melancholy this week, and as is typical for me, I don't realize it until others close to me do. "What's wrong?" "Everything OK?" "I'm not sure why we're arguing about this?" are things people say to me when this fog settles in. I'm short tempered. I pick fights with my husband. I dead scroll my phone for hours. I eat crappy food (did you know that Oreos are vegan AND they have gluten free ones?). Or so I've heard.
In the last week more hate-filled anti-trans, anti-LGBTQ+ legislation was introduced in Ohio and in Washington. Members of the Ohio House are now looking to ban drag shows. Senator J.D. Vance (from Ohio) introduced a federal bill to ban gender affirming care for trans youth. It sure feels like Ohio is becoming the new epicenter of hate, and we live squarely in its crosshairs.
Last weekend I attended an incredible musical performance in Cincinnati calling attention to the many people and groups we target and judge--by skin color, gender, body size and shape, sexual orientation, gender identity, socio-economic and mental health status. "Label-less," by Lachey Arts, is performed by a diverse troupe of 14-24 year olds. If the number of wadded up, wet tissues and the size of my crying headache were any indication, then, yes, this show was a 20 out of 10. I was blown away by the talent of these young performers, sure. But what hit particularly hard was the realization that this generation gets it, and they also are not in charge. It will take awhile for them to receive the baton and start changing things. And that reality settled deep in my bones. The hope of a new, more accepting time feeling further and further from our grasp.
Deep breath.
This period of meh will be short lived. It usually is. It doesn't take long before I start to feel sick of feeling stuck. Sick of feeling sad. Fed up with the way things are. I've learned a lot since Allison came out. At that time, I was dealing with a very sick child and a child who didn't want to live. Stress and overwhelm ruled my days, and my body just shut down. That Mother's Day I couldn't get out of bed. Every inch of my body hurt and I literally thought I was dying. Months later I learned I had fibromyalgia.
Knowing that I needed to be a strong Mama Bear for the battles that lie ahead, I understood that I had to take care of myself so that I could be there for my family. The old "put the oxygen mask on yourself first" scenario. That's when I decided I finally needed to learn how to do this thing called "self care." I fed my body with nutrition. Avoided foods that made me sick and inflamed. I started walking daily. I recommitted myself to therapy. I still had plenty of bad days, weeks and seasons, but overall I was taking care of myself for the first time in...ever.
And that's the first piece of advice I give to parents who reach out to me for support. Before I ask about their child, I ask "What are you doing to take care of yourself?" This life isn't easy. Being someone who loves a trans kid isn't for the faint of heart. You have to be committed to doing whatever it takes to love and support your reason while fending off and protecting them from a world that doesn't believe them, doesn't want to see them, or simply doesn't care.
Here are my favorite ways to take care of me. Pick one or two and just start there.
Journal--Write about your most honest and scary thoughts, questions and feelings
Listen to music--I made a playlist when Allison came out that I listened to on every walk. I'm sharing it with you below in case music is healing for you as well.
Take a bath--Yes, guys can do this too. Fill that tub. Add bubbles, epsom salts, a bath bomb. Light some candles. Listen to yacht rock.
Sleep--This is a hard one. I was the worst at it. CBD oil, time-release melatonin, lavender spray and calming music are all things you can find in my nightstand.
Move your body--Just get out there and walk, ride a bike, or whatever is enjoyable for you. I walk almost daily--it's when I do my best crying--and I found the most precious pilates studio that's part exercise and part therapy all in one. (@TerraLuna on Instagram for friends near the 45011--check it out!)
Feed your body--I know. I can feel your eyes rolling. But listen--desserts and mashed potatoes have their place (see Oreos above). Just don't make it your main source of comfort. Sugar and simple carbs (the white stuff) cause inflammation, interrupt sleep, raise your blood pressure and blood sugar. You won't do your family any good if you're sick.
Spend time in nature. Sit on your deck. Walk in the woods. Go to a park.
Find a support group. If you're local, check out our Resources page.
Do Therapy. I'm not talking about therapy for your kiddo. I'm talking about therapy for yourself. Where you can be real and honest about what YOU are experiencing.
Watch Ted Lasso--You think I'm kidding. Dive into a world surrounded by kindness and Dad jokes. Any good show will do, honestly, as long as it entertains you or helps you escape reality if only for 120 minutes.
I had a better day today. The fog is starting to lift. Even though it was a work from home day when I would normally live in yoga pants, I did my hair and put on a cute summer outfit I've not yet worn. I even wore cute shoes from my bedroom to my home office down the hall. I drank lots of water and I made a really yummy salad for dinner. And the Oreos are almost gone.
Take care of you. Your special reason is bravely seeking happiness. You should too.