Forgive the Taylor reference here, but I'm just returning from her Cincinnati performance and am still in the lavender haze. I can't think of a more perfect way to spend the last day of Pride. Rainbow colors everywhere, a queer opening act, a stadium full of 80,000 people celebrating queerness and inclusion and love. 'Cuz shade never made anybody less gay! And speaking of...neither did anti-LGBTQ+ legislation. I'm looking at you Florida.
As of July 1, trans people--including children over 12--will be thrown in jail for using the bathroom. Full stop. That's the law now in Florida, not some middle-eastern regime. My husband and I were in the midst of planning an anniversary trip to Key West when we heard this news. Key West is a special place for us. We renewed our vows there for our 25th wedding anniversary and were excited to go back until... We stopped planning and have chosen to go somewhere else. How could we possibly go to a state where Allison would be thrown in jail just for walking into a bathroom?
If she were in Florida, she would have to go in the men's bathroom to avoid an arrest. It doesn't matter that she is female. It doesn't matter that her state identification and her birth certificate both verify that she's female. Imagine a tall blonde woman walking into a crowded men's room. Or a man with a full beard walking into the women's restroom. Seriously, stop reading and picture both of these scenarios. Picture what it would take for someone to verify that she's transgender. Inspecting her body. Is that uncomfortable for you? Picturing the strip search of an innocent young woman who just needs to pee. If that makes you wince, imagine being her parents.
This bathroom nonsense is so misguided. So ridiculous. So manufactured. So illegal--or at least it should be. Let me go on record here...THERE IS NO ONE MORE UNCOMFORTABLE IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM THAN A TRANSGENDER PERSON. Going in to the women's bathroom was so panic-inducing for Allison as a teenager that it incited panic attacks. She often held it all day long to avoid going in there. She has kidney disease, and holding it is the worst thing she can do. But to her, further damaging her kidneys was better than going in that bathroom.
The only way we can stop this insanity is to continue to battle the misinformation with a healthy dose of reality. If transgender people using public bathrooms were a safety risk, we would know by now because they have been doing it since public bathrooms were a thing. Transgender people are not pedophiles. Not sex offenders. Not looking to take advantage of anyone. However, this bathroom hysteria conjures up all kinds of irrational fears. Well, I have good news for you. Heinous acts like harassment, stalking, violence and sexual assault are already illegal. For everyone. And that doesn't suddenly become legal by allowing trans people in your bathroom.
Oh, and by the way, hundreds of cities, school districts and 18 states across the U.S. have been allowing trans people to use the bathroom they want for many years and guess what? There has not been a rise in violence or assault. Not even a rise in people proclaiming they are trans just to gain access to bathrooms. Law enforcement officials and those investigating and treating sexual assault have all said the same thing...the hysteria is bogus.
Next let's talk privacy. Those supporting bathroom bans also talk incessantly about how people deserve privacy in bathrooms. That begs the question...is there anything private about using a public restroom??? Have you EVER felt like you had privacy in there? Let's be real...if women felt like it was private, they wouldn't hold it until they got home to go #2. I mean...you know it's true.
Many have suggested this solution--creating private bathrooms for trans people to use. There's just one problem with that theory...women will occupy them all (see above). But seriously, relegating trans people to different bathrooms than the rest of us just reinforces the misnomer that trans people are harmful and need to be separated from the rest of us.
What are the consequences of these bathroom bans? We're already hearing awful reports of women with short haircuts being harassed and mislabeled as trans in public bathrooms. Accounts like this only serve to make EVERYONE uncomfortable. Flat chested? Short pixie cut? Wearing a ball hat and flannel? Better hold it until you get home. And how about men... still carrying around the Covid 40 and have some extra bounce in your chest? How about the long hairs and those channeling their inner Bret Michaels? You see where I'm going with this. Doesn't the policing of bathrooms then, by definition, serve to impact privacy and freedom for ALL PEOPLE?
Bathroom bans and other anti-trans legislation are severely limiting the states where our family can safely travel. This is the new reality for trans families. HRC is even issuing travel advisories to help us plan--similar to the travel advisories following 9/11. At the very least, LGBTQ+ families are encouraged to do their homework before travel. Journalist Erin Reed has produced a map to help know which states are considering or have implemented anti-trans laws. Check it out before you make travel plans.
In summary, bathroom habits are private and should remain so. For all people. But until then
mamas and papas, I recommend accompanying your trans or non-binary child in a public bathroom for THEIR safety. At the very least, tell them to stick to the buddy system.
If you know someone who supports bathroom bans, please share this message from yours truly...YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN!